Dear mum and dad.
I can’t stand to live anymore
I just want to die and end it all.
The pain of living is just the start,
I’m sorry that I’m breaking your heart.
It started with hate, but now it’s little too late.
My life is a mess and I can only confess,
That inside it hurts none the less.
I’m sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused,
But in the end it’ll be okay because this is the only way.
I’m sorry for worrying you, I’m sorry for distressing you.
I’m sorry for killing you inside.
Mum it saddens me to see you cry
You’re the one who helped me get by.
You taught me to walk
You taught me to talk.
Without you I wouldn’t even be here and I will always hold you dear.
Dad you’re the greatest guy in the world.
I never appreciated the time we had.
Inside I was daddy’s girl
But I never showed you I cared
Without your guidance I wouldn’t be here
You told me that I never had to fear.
For such a long time I have felt this way and all I have to say is
“I love you” but it doesn’t seem like enough.
I know what you are about to go though is tough.
You are the best parents a girl could ever have.
It’s just, all I want to do is die.
So this, I guess, is my goodbye.
-Anon
I'M ALRIGHT.
"I'm alright," she said,
Then her parents shut the door,
Leaving her alone with thoughts and music,
Nothing less, nothing more.
"I'm alright," she thought,
Dancing around and singing,
No thoughts of suicide or depression,
Yet that blade was still so-tempting.
"I'm alright," she told herself,
As she took out a silver blade,
Not one single regret,
Once she saw the cuts she made.
"I'm alright," she continued to think,
Wiping the blood off her pale skin,
Not one worry in her mind,
As she began to dance and sing again.
"I'm alright," she said again,
Feeling the blood staining her clothes,
No guilt got to her at all,
As she cleaned it up,
So no one knows.
"I'm alright," she convinced herself,
Walking to the cabinet to grab some pills,
Not one tear in her eyes,
As she consumed an amount,
She assumed could kill.
"I'm alright," she told her family,
Heading to bed for the last night,
Not one thought of the life, she's leaving,
As she laid under the covers,
Never again to see the sunlight.
"I'm alright," she told her mates,
When they asked her what's wrong,
Not knowing her failed attempt at suicide,
As she remembered how she couldn't be strong.
"I'm alright," she told him,
Planning her next attempt in her head,
Not changing her mind,
As she wondered why she wasn't dead.
"I'm alright," she finally believed,
When he said no words just held her tight,
No other words were said,
As she reconsidered giving up the fight.
"I'm alright," she finally admitted to herself,
And alright is what she finally was,
Not one thought escaped her,
As she thought about her future that almost wasn't.
Thoughts. Many thoughts. Thoughts you'd never expect I'd imagine.
If I was gone, it'd be better.
I promise.
Monday, 21 April 2014
Thursday, 17 April 2014
That feeling when you feel that you're good for nothing?
Everyone's good at something. I know my strengths, I know my weaknesses. I know them all. But you know some days you just feel like total poop and just think to yourself that you're never best at anything. Never good at anything. There's this side of me that never wants to lose but at the same time, there's this side of me that already gave up.
You just compare yourself to others and think: why am I not as pretty as her.
Why am I not as smart as her.
Why does everyone likes her but hates me.
Why does she have everything but I have nothing.
You just can't help but to think why are you YOU.
You want to do something about it but people will still hate you. People will still think she's better than you. People will still think you're dumb as shit.
This feeling was haunting me today and is still and I really hope it goes away asap because I feel that it's getting the better of me. AND IT SUCKS.
Each time I feel that way, I always find myself wanting to gain approval from others. By pleasing them. By doing what makes them happy, not myself. And I don't know why but it just makes me feel satisfied that I'm a people's pleaser but too bad that feeling lasts temporarily and tbh I hate being a people's pleaser.
But today I wanted to shut the whole damn world away and just tried to give myself some space to sleep over it and think why am I feeling this way.
And I just thought that even though I tried my best, I'm never gonna be the best. There's always ALWAYS someone that's better than you in something but not everything.
Circumstances always play a part in feeling that you're good for nothing. But the problem about that circumstance is that you try to change it, but sometimes it is to no avail and you end up feeling more shitty about yourself. That's what I'm feeling right now and idk how to feel anymore because I just feel that everything's against me and yea.
What I can do now is to pray for the circumstances to go away and start afresh!!! Haiz wow what a sad day.
Everyone's good at something. I know my strengths, I know my weaknesses. I know them all. But you know some days you just feel like total poop and just think to yourself that you're never best at anything. Never good at anything. There's this side of me that never wants to lose but at the same time, there's this side of me that already gave up.
You just compare yourself to others and think: why am I not as pretty as her.
Why am I not as smart as her.
Why does everyone likes her but hates me.
Why does she have everything but I have nothing.
You just can't help but to think why are you YOU.
You want to do something about it but people will still hate you. People will still think she's better than you. People will still think you're dumb as shit.
This feeling was haunting me today and is still and I really hope it goes away asap because I feel that it's getting the better of me. AND IT SUCKS.
Each time I feel that way, I always find myself wanting to gain approval from others. By pleasing them. By doing what makes them happy, not myself. And I don't know why but it just makes me feel satisfied that I'm a people's pleaser but too bad that feeling lasts temporarily and tbh I hate being a people's pleaser.
But today I wanted to shut the whole damn world away and just tried to give myself some space to sleep over it and think why am I feeling this way.
And I just thought that even though I tried my best, I'm never gonna be the best. There's always ALWAYS someone that's better than you in something but not everything.
Circumstances always play a part in feeling that you're good for nothing. But the problem about that circumstance is that you try to change it, but sometimes it is to no avail and you end up feeling more shitty about yourself. That's what I'm feeling right now and idk how to feel anymore because I just feel that everything's against me and yea.
What I can do now is to pray for the circumstances to go away and start afresh!!! Haiz wow what a sad day.
Wednesday, 16 April 2014
GUILTY CONFESSIONS
I HAVE SOME GUILTY CONFESSIONS (mostly weird/embarrassing) but well.... here goes nothing!!!! (Bubzbeauty version)
My guilty pleasure:
I like to crack people's fingers?? And I love the cracking sound. OH man. Luv it.
Share something you did long time ago that you're still ashamed of:
I never drank from a milk bottle since I was young and one day i wanted to try it and ended up drinking till I was primary 5. #whatababy
Share one bad habit you have:
I talk so loud I can't even. Omg. It's embarrassing.
Reveal one lie you've told:
Okay so I was primary 6 and the Tinker friend hotline person came to my school to speak and when I reached home with my friend, I pretended I was "stella" and told them it was my birthday and demanded them to sing a birthdah song for me.... AND THEY DID!
What is one sillest thing you've got upset or mad over:
WELL FOOD. AND MATH. (it's two but yeah.)
Something you're really bad at:
laughing. I laugh really weirdly and my mouth is just too ugly I don't even know why
Share something you preach but never do: PRACTISE MY SONGS AT HOME HABABAB. I never practise when I tell my juniors to. But sometimes I do!!! Aw man *guilty*
What have you stolen before?:
$7 from my mum to buy something from the primary school bookshop OMG and I stole my nanny's fee. It was $20 but my parents found out so....
Reveal one act of revenge:
I think I tried to trip someone before. TRIED. AND THAT WAS WHEN I WAS A NERD IN PRIMARY SCHOOL. OMG. BADASS.
Name somebody you used to envy:
Hannah Montana! She's fictional but SHE HAD THE BEST OF BOTH WORLD. I MEAN. WHO DOESN'T WANNA HAVE THE BEST OF BOTH WORLD.
Mischievious thing you did in your childhood:
I go around biting people, and idk I was mean. I feel pleasure in watching them bleed.
TAG YOURSELF GUYS!!!! Those that have blogs!!! TAG YOURSELF! HOPE y III guys enjoyed!!
My guilty pleasure:
I like to crack people's fingers?? And I love the cracking sound. OH man. Luv it.
Share something you did long time ago that you're still ashamed of:
I never drank from a milk bottle since I was young and one day i wanted to try it and ended up drinking till I was primary 5. #whatababy
Share one bad habit you have:
I talk so loud I can't even. Omg. It's embarrassing.
Reveal one lie you've told:
Okay so I was primary 6 and the Tinker friend hotline person came to my school to speak and when I reached home with my friend, I pretended I was "stella" and told them it was my birthday and demanded them to sing a birthdah song for me.... AND THEY DID!
What is one sillest thing you've got upset or mad over:
WELL FOOD. AND MATH. (it's two but yeah.)
Something you're really bad at:
laughing. I laugh really weirdly and my mouth is just too ugly I don't even know why
Share something you preach but never do: PRACTISE MY SONGS AT HOME HABABAB. I never practise when I tell my juniors to. But sometimes I do!!! Aw man *guilty*
What have you stolen before?:
$7 from my mum to buy something from the primary school bookshop OMG and I stole my nanny's fee. It was $20 but my parents found out so....
Reveal one act of revenge:
I think I tried to trip someone before. TRIED. AND THAT WAS WHEN I WAS A NERD IN PRIMARY SCHOOL. OMG. BADASS.
Name somebody you used to envy:
Hannah Montana! She's fictional but SHE HAD THE BEST OF BOTH WORLD. I MEAN. WHO DOESN'T WANNA HAVE THE BEST OF BOTH WORLD.
Mischievious thing you did in your childhood:
I go around biting people, and idk I was mean. I feel pleasure in watching them bleed.
TAG YOURSELF GUYS!!!! Those that have blogs!!! TAG YOURSELF! HOPE y III guys enjoyed!!
WOAH HAHAHAH CRAY MAN. I THOUGHT I UPLOADED MY BLOGPOST BUT I DIDN'T. ERM. I know I dragged a lot and ppl bugging me for the post (HAhahahhah THANKS GUYS) but I was having Prelims for the past few days!!! I promise once I get done and over with everything I'll upload all the pics at once alright! Hahhahahahah!! THANKS FOR THE 30000TH VIEWS GUYS. Uploading one blogpost now! No pictures thou!
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