Things that make me happy

1) The children back in Cebu. You guys make me so happy and whenever I recall moments of us and the things we did, my day immediately brightens up

2) My life group - these are the people that walked through thick and thin with me and I believe we will continue our amazing journey 

3) My parents - you have no idea how blessed I am with such parents. Yes.. I do complain about them sometimes because they can get real annoying..... but I do feel very happy when I'm with them and their actions of love make me happy. Them being alive makes me happy.

4) Rooftops and high places 

I like to explore. Rooftops are one of the places where I can actually feel like the world stops for a moment. Nobody is there and you can just relax and see the world pass by as you chillax by the roof. 

5) Animals

I love all kind of animals. They just cheer me up instantly when I see them. I have no idea why too.. 

6) The sea/ocean/marine related stuffs

Gosh if you take a look at my mac...(I PASTED DOLPINS WHALES.. SEAGULLS ALL OVER) 

I feel very extremely calm and happy plus satisfied when I see marine animals or visit a beach.. They are so magical? 

7) Rainy Days 

When I'm chilling in a coffee place or at home or basically anywhere with shelter and it rains... boom i become really happy and esp when there is thunder and lightning I feel very secure. Is this weird.. 

8) Snow

I haven't seen snow yet but I know for sure it'll make me super happy!

9) My friends 

I love my friends. They are part of the reason why i'm who i am today! They make me laugh, cry, weep BLAHBLAH and I really feel happy around them 

10) Rollercoaster rides

Gosh. Anything with a high element in it... SIGN ME UP. 

2015

It's been 2 months since 2014 ended and a lot of things changed. I've definitely matured over the past few months(or at least i think i did) and I definitely did a lot of thinking and now I feel that it is the right time to finally go back on track and start blogging again. The past few months has been hectic, even though i didnt work, i was still busy with other stuffs like church, missiontrip, camps etc... I will have a post up later about my LIFECHANGING trip to the Philippines, Cebu and also about prom etc.. I know im very very late.... VERY...

So some things changed. Like....how i'm going to poly very soon, like how my hair isnt black anymore, and like how i'm not attached w z anymore. 

I'm currently in BZSE, Business and social enterprise, basically just Business w a heart, at least that's what people said. We will study about business and how we can make an enterprise to benefit less fortunate people etc. Im totally fine w it cause it was my 2nd choice and because I get to help people and that's my motive ultimately. I wanted to go psychology so badly but i didnt get the chance to so i'll probably pursue it in Uni hopefully, but im reading up on that so it isnt that bad. I'm looking forward to making a change in the society and I hope to glorify God in the process! Im definitely worried that i will get influenced in a wrong way when i step into poly like wanting fame, etc/.... but i needa stay sane by constantly doing QT and spending time w friends that dont care about the culture hahhaha!


Ok so about my breakup w z..  
I roughly explained it on my ask.fm but here's the "summarised" story

You know sometimes you can feel whether a relationship is gonna last w that person or not? Yea, i felt that it wasnt gonna last even a few months before our breakup.I kept telling people that one day this relationship will surely end, just a matter of time. It was my rash decision to get tgt w him and it was my mistake. I wanted to be together w him because i was head over heels over him.I liked him too much and the idea of us getting tgt was like a dream. We rushed into a relationship and you know it was like a dream that i didnt want to wake up from. It was my first relationship, my first kiss, my first hug. The first few months was paradise but after I returned from missiontrip and YI camp, my perspective of having a relationship now changed, and it definitely changed for the better as my once blinded eyes were now opened. I felt that this is not the right time for a relationship, and i didnt know if i really loved him. I kept thinking about it and thought that the rs wasnt going to last and i had one thing in mind, DATE TO MARRY. and i wasnt sure if I loved him enough then to marry him. Even though i knew that the rs wasnt going to last, I kept telling myself constantly that it will work out, plus I was under pressure because so many people around us had some sort of faith in us??? Idk it sounds very shameless but even the teachers in kranji said we were like meant for each other cause our character interlinks so much HAHA I had to agree. Because of that, i felt so so so pressured to make the relationship last. The funny thing is I felt really happy whenever I'm w him. He really accepted me for who I was, without any makeup etc i could literally laugh my loudest w him and he wouldnt judge me. He loved me for who i am and i appreciated that. The last few months of us being tgt, we had fights and each time it was me that initiated the fight and him who compromised. He said he loved me too much to even want to fight back w me and my heart just broke because I know i didnt, wait, I couldnt love him as much as he did. All the more I couldnt break his heart. I tried to keep it in and act like everything was normal but in the end I felt that i was suffocating and i resorted to the extent of avoiding him. I talked to him and we were on the phone for at least 3hrs and i told him that one day if i needed a break, will u agree? He said yes, because its for the better and I appreciated him for being so patient w me, so understanding and so loving still. Finally the day came. Before we stopped talking, our daily convo for almost a week was just "Morning" "Sorry for replying late" "Wht are you doing" "Eaten?" and "nights",sometimes not even "nights". I felt that both of us aint trying anymore so i initiated the timeout and both of us stopped talking since then.It then turned into a breakup idk how but yea this is where we r now. The past few days i had been thinking about him and me and i read back our texts and felt that i was so horrible towards him and i wrote him an apology and asked him to take care from there. We officially ended off there and yep. Last sunday we went to sk house to bainian and i saw him there and it was so awkward, like both of us knew each other so so so well but we ended up  being strangers. And when u are so used to being tgt but now its just not the same anymore. 

I'm definitely worried/excited for what's coming up for the rest of the year cause so many things have changed even though it's been like 2months into the year only! 2015 SURPRISE ME. 

It's been a long time since I've talked to anyone. And today, tonight finally. Finally I got to say almost everything. Thank you guys for everything.

It was a night full of laughters and tears and I couldn't express how thankful I felt when they were with me. How blessed and how  comforted I am to have such friends. Wow. 

We had an impromptu break fast so haz and ning went to lot to get dinner and rented a movie(ended up not watching)

And just got carried away in my room talking about really really personal issues. 

First time in weeks or at least months I broke down before anyone. I hate feeling weak I hate feeling helpless but my feelings just took the better of me. 

I mean from what I see, even though some memories may hurt you SO much that even if you try your best to forget them, they are still gonna be a part of you, a part ofyour life and they may hurt like crap even though it happened like maybe 6 years ago but I think the main point is to move on. 

Yes, they're still gonna hurt. You are still gonna cry when you talk about it but it's over already right? 

; 

I think I'm really that lousy.

Dear mum and dad.
I can’t stand to live anymore
I just want to die and end it all.
The pain of living is just the start,
I’m sorry that I’m breaking your heart.
It started with hate, but now it’s little too late.
My life is a mess and I can only confess,
That inside it hurts none the less.
I’m sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused,
But in the end it’ll be okay because this is the only way.
I’m sorry for worrying you, I’m sorry for distressing you.
I’m sorry for killing you inside.
Mum it saddens me to see you cry
You’re the one who helped me get by.
You taught me to walk 
You taught me to talk.
Without you I wouldn’t even be here and I will always hold you dear.
Dad you’re the greatest guy in the world.
I never appreciated the time we had.
Inside I was daddy’s girl 
But I never showed you I cared
Without your guidance I wouldn’t be here
You told me that I never had to fear.
For such a long time I have felt this way and all I have to say is
“I love you” but it doesn’t seem like enough.
I know what you are about to go though is tough.
You are the best parents a girl could ever have. 
It’s just, all I want to do is die.
So this, I guess, is my goodbye.
-Anon 

I'M ALRIGHT. 
"I'm alright," she said,
Then her parents shut the door,
Leaving her alone with thoughts and music,
Nothing less, nothing more.

"I'm alright," she thought,
Dancing around and singing,
No thoughts of suicide or depression,
Yet that blade was still so-tempting.

"I'm alright," she told herself,
As she took out a silver blade,
Not one single regret,
Once she saw the cuts she made.

"I'm alright," she continued to think,
Wiping the blood off her pale skin,
Not one worry in her mind,
As she began to dance and sing again.

"I'm alright," she said again,
Feeling the blood staining her clothes,
No guilt got to her at all,
As she cleaned it up,
So no one knows.

"I'm alright," she convinced herself,
Walking to the cabinet to grab some pills,
Not one tear in her eyes,
As she consumed an amount,
She assumed could kill.

"I'm alright," she told her family,
Heading to bed for the last night,
Not one thought of the life, she's leaving,
As she laid under the covers,
Never again to see the sunlight.

"I'm alright," she told her mates,
When they asked her what's wrong,
Not knowing her failed attempt at suicide,
As she remembered how she couldn't be strong.

"I'm alright," she told him,
Planning her next attempt in her head,
Not changing her mind,
As she wondered why she wasn't dead.

"I'm alright," she finally believed,
When he said no words just held her tight,
No other words were said,
As she reconsidered giving up the fight.

"I'm alright," she finally admitted to herself,
And alright is what she finally was,
Not one thought escaped her,
As she thought about her future that almost wasn't.




Thoughts. Many thoughts. Thoughts you'd never expect I'd imagine.


If I was gone, it'd be better.


I promise.

That feeling when you feel that you're good for nothing? 

Everyone's good at something. I know my strengths, I know my weaknesses. I know them all. But you know some days you just feel like total poop and just think to yourself that you're never best at anything. Never good at anything. There's this side of me that never wants to lose but at the same time, there's this side of me that already gave up. 

You just compare yourself to others and think: why am I not as pretty as her. 
Why am I not as smart as her. 
Why does everyone likes her but hates me. 
Why does she have everything but I have nothing. 

You just can't help but to think why are you YOU.

You want to do something about it but people will still hate you. People will still think she's better than you. People will still think you're dumb as shit.

This feeling was haunting me today and is still and I really hope it goes away asap because I feel that it's getting the better of me. AND IT SUCKS.

Each time I feel that way, I always find myself wanting to gain approval from others. By pleasing them. By doing what makes them happy, not myself. And I don't know why but it just makes me feel satisfied that I'm a people's pleaser but too bad that feeling lasts temporarily and tbh I hate being a people's pleaser.

But today I wanted to shut the whole damn world away and just tried to give myself some space to sleep over it and think why am I feeling this way.

And I just thought that even though I tried my best, I'm never gonna be the best. There's always ALWAYS someone that's better than you in something but not everything.

Circumstances always play a part in feeling that you're good for nothing. But the problem about that circumstance is that you try to change it, but sometimes it is to no avail and you end up feeling more shitty about yourself. That's what I'm feeling right now and idk how to feel anymore because I just feel that everything's against me and yea.

What I can do now is to pray for the circumstances to go away and start afresh!!! Haiz wow what a sad day.  

GUILTY CONFESSIONS

I HAVE SOME GUILTY CONFESSIONS (mostly weird/embarrassing) but well.... here goes nothing!!!! (Bubzbeauty version) 

My guilty pleasure:
I like to crack people's fingers?? And I love the cracking sound. OH man. Luv it.

Share something you did long time ago that you're still ashamed of:
I never drank from a milk bottle since I was young and one day i wanted to try it and ended up drinking till I was primary 5. #whatababy

Share one bad habit you have:
 I talk so loud I can't even. Omg. It's embarrassing.

Reveal one lie you've told:
 Okay so I was primary 6 and the Tinker friend hotline person came to my school to speak and when I reached home with my friend, I pretended I was "stella" and told them it was my birthday and demanded them to sing a birthdah song for me.... AND THEY DID!

What is one sillest thing you've got upset or mad over:
WELL FOOD. AND MATH. (it's two but yeah.)

Something you're really bad at:
 laughing. I laugh really weirdly and my mouth is just too ugly I don't even know why

Share something you preach but never do: PRACTISE MY SONGS AT HOME HABABAB. I never practise when I tell my juniors to. But sometimes I do!!! Aw man *guilty*

What have you stolen before?:
$7 from my mum to buy something from the primary school bookshop OMG  and I stole my nanny's fee. It was $20 but my parents found out so....


Reveal one act of revenge:
 I think I tried to trip someone before. TRIED. AND THAT WAS WHEN I WAS A NERD IN PRIMARY SCHOOL. OMG. BADASS.

Name somebody you used to envy:
 Hannah Montana! She's fictional but SHE HAD THE BEST OF BOTH WORLD. I MEAN. WHO DOESN'T WANNA HAVE THE BEST OF BOTH WORLD.

Mischievious thing you did in your childhood:
I go around biting people, and idk I was mean. I feel pleasure in watching them bleed.

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