Can't express. But I like that, but I felt uncomfortable.

Went beach cleaning for cip on 25-02-2014.

Turned out to be a shouting session. 

It's like a 'cleaning my heart' session. 

We were shouting at the top of our lungs about our deepest troubles. 

Shouting out to the sea. That was..... nice. 

Looking at how happy I looked. I totally forgotten about you. 

Went to dinner with Ketut, Praveen, hogan. We talked so much. Originally it was xav, zx, Chawin, zhiyang and ivan but the panjang peeps went home. SAD. It was a fun night though. 

Went to MOF for Discipleship with Shanyao and denzel. Yumz.

------

We bumped to each other twice today. 

It's not a big deal but at least you know about my existence. Your name. Your name keeps popping up in my mind regardless of how I think I'm getting over you, it brings me back to the stage like I'm infatuated with you all over again. 

I hate the fact that I can't get over you. 

What's there to hold on? 

What's the point of holding on? 

You moved on. Why can't I? 

It's not your fault. I know. It's mine for holding on to you. 

I'm trying to get my senses back together to realize that this is shit and this is not going to work out. 

-Breaths in breaths out- 

Everything, everything was happier then. What happened? 

Seriously I HAVE NO CLUE. 

Xx. Bye. 

Letting it go.

I'm letting it go. Finally. 
It's hard. It's really hard to let go of things you hoped to happen. It's hard to let go when you still have little hopes hidden. 

It's difficult. I know. I have lots of flings before, not saying that I'm proud of it, but you got to accept the fact that people come and go. For those that stayed, that is really great. Those that left, Well they serve as a purpose to. To let you learn from whatever mistakes you did, to let you grow in life. 

Weird isn't it? How people can just leave you suddenly without muttering a single word. They just leave you hanging there. You don't know what to feel, how to feel. 
You don't know what they're thinking. 
One minute is fine, another isn't. 
Hot and cold conversation. 
Yea that's normal. Trust me. You gotta learn how to accept it. That's part of life. That's really easy to say but hard to do. But eventually, you'll get the hang of it. 
TO YOU: 
You know what's the strange thing? Everything, our conversation, our Polaroid with each other, they just disappeared. My previous phones, I lost all the conversation, but everything was till there, except the conversation of us. 
And the Polaroid, I kept it with me but it suddenly disappeared. 
Is it a sign? Haha. 
Well.


Anyway goodnight people. I'll talk about this another time. Love you guys! 

You know what sucks? Having to know someone accuse you of something you didn't do. I may have done that so much in the past, but believe me I changed so damn much and if you didn't notice it, you probably aren't my true friend, or even my friend. 

And you know I just get so pissed off when you tweet about me and just defame me on twitter. Like OPENLY. What is that for though? I didn't even do SHIT to you, maybe in the past, but I apologized. 

And for my friends this is another incident:
I didn't cry because he said f off. I cried because before that, I already knew that there's a lot of people that don't like me and I'm feeling really screwed up because of that and someone had to rub the wound with salt. But thats fine now. 

YES. For sure, EVERYBODY judges. It's a natural thing to do. I judge, you judge. But please, keep your comments and opinions to yourself instead of gossiping. I used to gossip all day and night. After my church leader spoke to us about the topic 'gossiping' I completely stopped. I hear others gossip but I don't join in. But sometimes I do ask questions because I'm genuinely curious hahahaha. But other than that, I'm done with gossiping. Been there done that. 

You know this week's sermon was about true friends. I need to PRAISE THE LORD for answering my prayers because I really prayed for the sermon to speak to me and miraculously it did. 
WHAT A TRUE FRIEND SHOULD BE LIKE:
A true friend always encourages you.
A true friend always listens to you.
A true friend will appreciate you.
A true friend forgives us for the wrongs we have done.
A true friend will always attempt to understand you.  
To be completely honest, I don't have any true friends. Some are just friends that you always share your problems to, some are just friends that you are super close to but they're not your true friends. 
Let's be completely honest, which of your friends will always be there for you, ALWAYS?

Notetoself:
 Don't be with friends that will always criticise you, just to pull you down, they act like they're concern but they're just curious. 

Avoid friends that pull you away from God.

Don't be with friends that don't respect you.
If they don't respect you, they don't deserve your respect too.



//



I feel so much better after clearing my thoughts to God and just not giving a single care to those that dislike me. 


Xoxo. 

Pain

"That's the thing about pain,"...."it demands to be felt."

"What if one day, I told you I had cancer. What if I said I had stage 4 cancer. What if I said I was going to die in 2 months. What if." 




How would you feel? 



-----

Will you do anything for me? Will you change your attitude towards me? Will you love me even more? Will you cry for me? Will you be nicer to me? 

//

Pain. Can be described as something you feel emotionally or physically. 

I felt pain. Not physically, but emotionally. 

Whenever someone leaves me, I feel pain. 
Whenever someone hurts me by their words, I feel pain. 
Whenever someone outcasts me, I feel pain.
Whenever I see someone cry, I feel pain. 

 I cry when I feel pain. I feel so mad inside. But all I can do is cry. 

Pain demands to be felt, that's what it is. 

Pain changes you as a person. 
Pain makes you either stronger or weaker. 
Pain makes you a better person.(It's your choice though)
Pain makes you learn from your mistakes.

The thing about pain? It hurts for awhile but it will heal overtime. Maybe it'll take awhile, but tell me, which wound doesn't heal?

Will you feel pain when I say I love someone else?
Will you feel pain when I say I have cancer?
Will you feel pain when.

My I N S E C U R I T Y kills

I n s e c u r i t y kills me from the inside out.

I was afraid to tell people that I was insecure. Not because I was scared to tell others about my insecurities. I was afraid to tell them I was EVEN insecure.
People will always laugh at me when I say I'm insecure.
They were judging me because they thought 'Oh it's such a cliche for a girl to say they're insecure. They're just seeking attention.'

WELL HECK NO.

Many people don't know this but Im just going to say how insecure I was and how badly my insecurities affected me from time to time.

#1: I thought my face looked ugly when I sleep so when I'm in school and I want to lay my head on the table, I lay it straight down. You guys will think OH THAT'S A NORMAL THING WHAT. Erm no. I would crush my head on the table nearly suffocating myself just to not let people see me sleep. I would make sure there's no holes that people can peek through when I'm sleeping and I would make sure I put everything in perfect position So that I can look nice.

#2: I would look into the mirror, go to the toilet, to look in the mirror every freaking 5 mins. Just to look at my hair. I always thought my hair always looked ugly and it always looked messy so the sole purpose of going to the toilet was just to make sure my hair looks good and everything looks perfect. If there's no mirror, I would get a minor panic attack and I would be so tensed up until I get to see a mirror. But thankfully I overcomed this problem.

#3: I always thought that I looked really bad with specs and once I had a really bad eye infection until I had to put some really nasty stingy gel in my eye AND YET I REFUSED TO WEAR SPECS TO SCHOOL. I still wore my enlarging lenses. But hey, now my lenses not enlarging anymore. #Overcomedmyinsecurity

I used to think people will judge me because I'm a Christian and because of all the stupid and idiotic things I used to do in the past. I used to think they will be like "Cennic's a christian? Haha. Christian can scold vulgar??? Christian can flirt ah? Christian can wear until like that ah?"
Yea I know there's people that will be saying that but lemme clear this first HAHAHAHAHAHHA I'm so proud of myself. I never scold vulgarities for one year already and now I hate it when someone scolds vulgarities. HATE.
I NEVER FLIRT LIKE HOW I USED TO FLIRT. I find it disgusting now and I realized how disgusting I was.
I never wear really short shorts unless it's a really hot day or something but I learnt to be conservative I KNOW YOU WILL FIND THIS A JOKE BUT IT'S NO JOKE AT ALL OK. You will either see me wearing a skirt, a dress or jeans. That's all Hahahahhaq. And I find that whenever I wear short shorts, when I sit down the layer of fats at my thighs makes me feel disturbed because its really fat and like I don't like to see it do I'LL HIDE IT. But really being a Christian really changed me a lot and if you Guys still think she's faking to love GOd to show how cool she is YOU ARE W R O N G. You believe in what you believe in because that WAS my insecurity. Thinking how people think of me. BEEN THERE DONE THAT. Not going back. Kay back to topic. I was afraid to post stuffs about God because I was afraid of people judging me but WHO CARES NOW.

I used to think my face is really ugly that I told my mother everyday for a month that I am definitely going to have plastic surgery. I used to cry secretly about how ugly I looked. I'm serious and I haven't told anybody about this before but I think it's quite funny now when I look back.


That was how bad it was but believe me there's still a lot more of insecurities I haven't ovecome. But I will overcome all of them one day through the security that God gave me!!!!!

XOXO COCONUTS.

These are my insecurities. I overcomed it one by one, you can do with God's help! You don't need to seek for others approval to help you feel secure because others approval will only last temporarily. But God's approval last eternally. Trust me. Try to pray for your insecurities to be gone and you can overcome your struggles with insecurities. It will work like magic. Trust me. :)

V E R G E

You know sometimes in life you just feel that there's noone out there for you anymore. And the only thing you have is yourself and God. 

Like friends wouldn't always be there for you. I understand that because sometimes I get sick of comforting people too, because I have my own problems. I can't deny the fact that I have always been forsaking my friends and ignoring their problems. When I see them "emo-ing" on twitter I used to ask them what's wrong. But now, I admit, I couldn't be bothered. But that's life. You only have to rely on NOONE but YOURSELF and God. I felt bad. Yep I did. But that's reality. 

There's two types of friends:
Those that ask for the sake of asking and because they're curious and those that really cares about you. 
How often can we find the second one? LOL. 

I find myself a really contradicting person because I despise people who ask because they're curious, but in the end I'm the one asking people because I AM CURIOUS. So now i prefer not to ask. And that's the reason why I started to gradually draw away from my friends. 

I can't differientiate if I'm curious or if I really care. And that bothers me because I want to be a good friend. BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO. I try my best to be a good friend that makes people happy but no matter how hard I try, I know I will never be number 1 in their eyes. I keep degrading myself I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY. 

I realized recently I'm starting to build a wall between me and my friends. I don't know if they are the type of friends that will be together and stand by me if there's a problem or they will just leave me when I need them. (My thinking: better to distance and not feel hurt rather than to be close and having someone leave you when you need them)

I hate how I'm distancing myself from my friends. I hate how I'm starting to build a wall that I can't break. I hate how scared I am to lose them. But I already did.

I feel helpless. Like there's nobody there at times. I need someone to be there physically. To comfort me. And I used to share my problems with others. Now? I just bottom up my feelings. Idk. It feels more secure but I just feel that somethings missing.

I feel that people are judging me from inside to out.
Judging me because I'm a christian.
Judging me on how I look.
Judging me when I don't even know them.
Judging me on how I talk.
Judging me on how I write.

I don't know what this blogpost is about actually. But I managed to clear some feelings out. At the very least.

Xoxo.

Fate?

If it's meant to be, it's definitely meant to be.


Our destiny can't change. Yes, we may have crossed at one point of our life, we were intimidated by what we saw in each other.
I used to want to get into an intimate relationship without commitment. But I realized that was plain stupidity.

Love has to come with commitment, trust, and many other things. But one thing for sure I know about love is that it is amazing.

We love without seeing the truth.
We love without knowing the truth.

I am glad to finally let it go.

"I'm afraid to get into a relationship with her because I'm afraid we'll lose our friendship."

I think I understand now.

Thanks to the book I read "I kissed dating goodbye."

Helped me understand things I didnt understand before.
 I love you.

Nothing left.

How I wish time could rewind and I could "re-do" my life once again. I could have refrained myself from doing what's wrong and not to mention... you guys know.

I wish everything could rewind so I can relive the moments again.

Time is like a memory-sucking machine. It sucks out what you've learn from the past. It sucks out what you remember. It sucks out the little things that happened in life that made you happy.

Even if I want to remember them, I couldnt. It's so irritating.

Friends are better than strangers. Best friends are better than friends. Lovers are better than best friends. Well, I'm stuck on the "strangers are better than errr. Nothing." Part.

I am at stage 4. The accepting part. No we didn't break up.(weren't even tgt)

We just broke apart.

I'm trying, trust me.
"If it's meant to be, it will be."

Like how when a butterfly that was in your hand for 5secs flies away, if it likes you it will come back. If it doesn't, it will look for someone else.