V E R G E

You know sometimes in life you just feel that there's noone out there for you anymore. And the only thing you have is yourself and God. 

Like friends wouldn't always be there for you. I understand that because sometimes I get sick of comforting people too, because I have my own problems. I can't deny the fact that I have always been forsaking my friends and ignoring their problems. When I see them "emo-ing" on twitter I used to ask them what's wrong. But now, I admit, I couldn't be bothered. But that's life. You only have to rely on NOONE but YOURSELF and God. I felt bad. Yep I did. But that's reality. 

There's two types of friends:
Those that ask for the sake of asking and because they're curious and those that really cares about you. 
How often can we find the second one? LOL. 

I find myself a really contradicting person because I despise people who ask because they're curious, but in the end I'm the one asking people because I AM CURIOUS. So now i prefer not to ask. And that's the reason why I started to gradually draw away from my friends. 

I can't differientiate if I'm curious or if I really care. And that bothers me because I want to be a good friend. BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO. I try my best to be a good friend that makes people happy but no matter how hard I try, I know I will never be number 1 in their eyes. I keep degrading myself I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY. 

I realized recently I'm starting to build a wall between me and my friends. I don't know if they are the type of friends that will be together and stand by me if there's a problem or they will just leave me when I need them. (My thinking: better to distance and not feel hurt rather than to be close and having someone leave you when you need them)

I hate how I'm distancing myself from my friends. I hate how I'm starting to build a wall that I can't break. I hate how scared I am to lose them. But I already did.

I feel helpless. Like there's nobody there at times. I need someone to be there physically. To comfort me. And I used to share my problems with others. Now? I just bottom up my feelings. Idk. It feels more secure but I just feel that somethings missing.

I feel that people are judging me from inside to out.
Judging me because I'm a christian.
Judging me on how I look.
Judging me when I don't even know them.
Judging me on how I talk.
Judging me on how I write.

I don't know what this blogpost is about actually. But I managed to clear some feelings out. At the very least.

Xoxo.