It's been a long time since I've talked to anyone. And today, tonight finally. Finally I got to say almost everything. Thank you guys for everything.

It was a night full of laughters and tears and I couldn't express how thankful I felt when they were with me. How blessed and how  comforted I am to have such friends. Wow. 

We had an impromptu break fast so haz and ning went to lot to get dinner and rented a movie(ended up not watching)

And just got carried away in my room talking about really really personal issues. 

First time in weeks or at least months I broke down before anyone. I hate feeling weak I hate feeling helpless but my feelings just took the better of me. 

I mean from what I see, even though some memories may hurt you SO much that even if you try your best to forget them, they are still gonna be a part of you, a part ofyour life and they may hurt like crap even though it happened like maybe 6 years ago but I think the main point is to move on. 

Yes, they're still gonna hurt. You are still gonna cry when you talk about it but it's over already right? 

; 

I think I'm really that lousy.

Dear mum and dad.
I can’t stand to live anymore
I just want to die and end it all.
The pain of living is just the start,
I’m sorry that I’m breaking your heart.
It started with hate, but now it’s little too late.
My life is a mess and I can only confess,
That inside it hurts none the less.
I’m sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused,
But in the end it’ll be okay because this is the only way.
I’m sorry for worrying you, I’m sorry for distressing you.
I’m sorry for killing you inside.
Mum it saddens me to see you cry
You’re the one who helped me get by.
You taught me to walk 
You taught me to talk.
Without you I wouldn’t even be here and I will always hold you dear.
Dad you’re the greatest guy in the world.
I never appreciated the time we had.
Inside I was daddy’s girl 
But I never showed you I cared
Without your guidance I wouldn’t be here
You told me that I never had to fear.
For such a long time I have felt this way and all I have to say is
“I love you” but it doesn’t seem like enough.
I know what you are about to go though is tough.
You are the best parents a girl could ever have. 
It’s just, all I want to do is die.
So this, I guess, is my goodbye.
-Anon 

I'M ALRIGHT. 
"I'm alright," she said,
Then her parents shut the door,
Leaving her alone with thoughts and music,
Nothing less, nothing more.

"I'm alright," she thought,
Dancing around and singing,
No thoughts of suicide or depression,
Yet that blade was still so-tempting.

"I'm alright," she told herself,
As she took out a silver blade,
Not one single regret,
Once she saw the cuts she made.

"I'm alright," she continued to think,
Wiping the blood off her pale skin,
Not one worry in her mind,
As she began to dance and sing again.

"I'm alright," she said again,
Feeling the blood staining her clothes,
No guilt got to her at all,
As she cleaned it up,
So no one knows.

"I'm alright," she convinced herself,
Walking to the cabinet to grab some pills,
Not one tear in her eyes,
As she consumed an amount,
She assumed could kill.

"I'm alright," she told her family,
Heading to bed for the last night,
Not one thought of the life, she's leaving,
As she laid under the covers,
Never again to see the sunlight.

"I'm alright," she told her mates,
When they asked her what's wrong,
Not knowing her failed attempt at suicide,
As she remembered how she couldn't be strong.

"I'm alright," she told him,
Planning her next attempt in her head,
Not changing her mind,
As she wondered why she wasn't dead.

"I'm alright," she finally believed,
When he said no words just held her tight,
No other words were said,
As she reconsidered giving up the fight.

"I'm alright," she finally admitted to herself,
And alright is what she finally was,
Not one thought escaped her,
As she thought about her future that almost wasn't.




Thoughts. Many thoughts. Thoughts you'd never expect I'd imagine.


If I was gone, it'd be better.


I promise.

That feeling when you feel that you're good for nothing? 

Everyone's good at something. I know my strengths, I know my weaknesses. I know them all. But you know some days you just feel like total poop and just think to yourself that you're never best at anything. Never good at anything. There's this side of me that never wants to lose but at the same time, there's this side of me that already gave up. 

You just compare yourself to others and think: why am I not as pretty as her. 
Why am I not as smart as her. 
Why does everyone likes her but hates me. 
Why does she have everything but I have nothing. 

You just can't help but to think why are you YOU.

You want to do something about it but people will still hate you. People will still think she's better than you. People will still think you're dumb as shit.

This feeling was haunting me today and is still and I really hope it goes away asap because I feel that it's getting the better of me. AND IT SUCKS.

Each time I feel that way, I always find myself wanting to gain approval from others. By pleasing them. By doing what makes them happy, not myself. And I don't know why but it just makes me feel satisfied that I'm a people's pleaser but too bad that feeling lasts temporarily and tbh I hate being a people's pleaser.

But today I wanted to shut the whole damn world away and just tried to give myself some space to sleep over it and think why am I feeling this way.

And I just thought that even though I tried my best, I'm never gonna be the best. There's always ALWAYS someone that's better than you in something but not everything.

Circumstances always play a part in feeling that you're good for nothing. But the problem about that circumstance is that you try to change it, but sometimes it is to no avail and you end up feeling more shitty about yourself. That's what I'm feeling right now and idk how to feel anymore because I just feel that everything's against me and yea.

What I can do now is to pray for the circumstances to go away and start afresh!!! Haiz wow what a sad day.  

GUILTY CONFESSIONS

I HAVE SOME GUILTY CONFESSIONS (mostly weird/embarrassing) but well.... here goes nothing!!!! (Bubzbeauty version) 

My guilty pleasure:
I like to crack people's fingers?? And I love the cracking sound. OH man. Luv it.

Share something you did long time ago that you're still ashamed of:
I never drank from a milk bottle since I was young and one day i wanted to try it and ended up drinking till I was primary 5. #whatababy

Share one bad habit you have:
 I talk so loud I can't even. Omg. It's embarrassing.

Reveal one lie you've told:
 Okay so I was primary 6 and the Tinker friend hotline person came to my school to speak and when I reached home with my friend, I pretended I was "stella" and told them it was my birthday and demanded them to sing a birthdah song for me.... AND THEY DID!

What is one sillest thing you've got upset or mad over:
WELL FOOD. AND MATH. (it's two but yeah.)

Something you're really bad at:
 laughing. I laugh really weirdly and my mouth is just too ugly I don't even know why

Share something you preach but never do: PRACTISE MY SONGS AT HOME HABABAB. I never practise when I tell my juniors to. But sometimes I do!!! Aw man *guilty*

What have you stolen before?:
$7 from my mum to buy something from the primary school bookshop OMG  and I stole my nanny's fee. It was $20 but my parents found out so....


Reveal one act of revenge:
 I think I tried to trip someone before. TRIED. AND THAT WAS WHEN I WAS A NERD IN PRIMARY SCHOOL. OMG. BADASS.

Name somebody you used to envy:
 Hannah Montana! She's fictional but SHE HAD THE BEST OF BOTH WORLD. I MEAN. WHO DOESN'T WANNA HAVE THE BEST OF BOTH WORLD.

Mischievious thing you did in your childhood:
I go around biting people, and idk I was mean. I feel pleasure in watching them bleed.

TAG YOURSELF GUYS!!!! Those that have blogs!!! TAG YOURSELF!  HOPE y III guys enjoyed!!

WOAH HAHAHAH CRAY MAN. I THOUGHT I UPLOADED MY BLOGPOST BUT I DIDN'T. ERM. I know I dragged a lot and ppl bugging me for the post (HAhahahhah THANKS GUYS) but I was having Prelims for the past few days!!! I promise once I get done and over with everything I'll upload all the pics at once alright! Hahhahahahah!! THANKS FOR THE 30000TH VIEWS GUYS. Uploading one blogpost now! No pictures thou!

over.

Maybe it wasn't right from the start.
I tried to smile at you today, but I couldnt bear to stare into your eyes. I felt guilty. I felt helpless. I wanted to mend things, but I can't.

It's funny how a small little thing went to a big screwed up thing for me. I think I overthought too much and read the situation then differently. Ugh why was I SO stupid. The newspaper horoscopes said that I needed to give up and get over the things that have been holding me back, and if I let go, I'll have a much better and easier life. It totally spoke to me and I just felt pointless to hold on to something that's not worth it anymore.
He said I was out of your mind. You didn't talk about me anymore. You didn't think about me anymore. You had nothing to do with me anymore.

I felt disheartened. Sad of course, but I managed to get over it. And each time something bad happens, I handle it better and better. And now I just don't feel as pain as I felt before.
I'm done and over you. I'm sorry for the stupid dramas I've caused. It's been 8 months. Goodbye now.

BAPTISM POST WILL BE UP ON SUNDAY!!! KEEP READING!!! 

Tired. Just tired. I'm sick and tired of all the nonsense and bs that I've been holding up and keeping in my heart. I can't take it any further. I'm feeling vexed. I can't think straight. I'm not happy now. I'm annoyed. 
Family. Friends. Enough of all these freaking dramas. If I had the chance to choose whether to live or not, I'd rather die now. It's rough these few days. I'm praying. I know it's wrong to say I'd rather die but I can't help it. 
When I was in school today, I said I was tired. I was not tired. I was sad. Unhappy. Upset about what happened on Sunday. But can I tell? No. Who can I trust? Nobody. They'll still judge you anyway. 

So many things I haven't completed. The incomplete things make me not able to think straight. Why does school likes to do this to us? Why do people around me keep giving me pressure? Why do they expect so much of me? 
Society. 




-----






I hate this. I hate everything. I'm on the verge of breaking down. I need God. He is here. I need time. 



"But I warn you, once trigger her, she'll explode like a grenade."


I frown alot. That's just me. I have dark secrets I have never ever told anyone and I'm planning to carry it to my grave. But those dark secrets are slowly haunting me down. Making it hard for me to live. I really wanted to die. Want* at this point, at this time. 


"They don't actually care. They only care about themselves."


I wanted to die on this day called, today. 

Happy birthday My dear.

To be honest, I can't remember most of our memories together and I hate how the fact that I can't remember them. But I know for one fact is that they were great great memories. When I flip through pictures that have you and me and our clique together, I feel so incredibly blessed. 
We started off as frenemies and remember we used to hate each other so much. And remember when I had my birthday party and you couldn't come and you told me to reserve a packet of snacks for you? Remember when I used to cry and the whole clique will say"EH she's crying. Go comfort her!" Remember when you told me you were QHFF one of the brothers daughter. I WAS SO PROUD TO HAVE A RICH FRIEND HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA. Remember when we would sit together at the canteen and eat our meals together? Remember the aunty that we would always buy from, the stall that had mushroom soup, spaghetti Mmm. I terribly miss those times. Remember we used to be on the phone 2/3/4 hrs a day everyday?????."I'm outside your window! Yellow walls right?" We would talk about EVERYTHING. Well I know we've drift bit by bit but amazingly whenever we meet up, it just feels like we never left each other!!!! I know you live in yishun and that's Quite far away from cck but I want you to know that distance won't split us!!!! WE'RE INSEPARABLE RIGHT? Thank you so much for being there when I need you. For asking how's life occasionally! I'm so glad that you were being born on this day 16 years ago. I love you and I will always do. To me, you'll forever and always be my number 1. 

50 facts about me!!!!!!

1. I'm a Christian since 2011! Experienced God last year June, had never felt that blessed before.
2. Turning sixteen this year but my birthday is just before my o level so hmm.
3. I hate prawns, shrimps, abalones, oyster, clams but apart from those things, I kinda like seafood.
4. I am/was a dancer! Been dancing since I was 3 baby
5. Got a silver in swimming
6. Learnt piano when I was 7/8 and I ended up quitting cause I had no interest
7. Had art classes and my teacher would put fruits in front of the class and we would sketch them fruits!
8. Born in Sarawak ON THE BUS. LOLOL AT MY MUM'S TIME MANAGEMENT.
9. WANT WANT WANT to travel the world so badly that I am deciding to be an air stewardess for just 2 years!
10. Been to korea, china, macau(China????), hongkong, taiwan, bangkok, malaysia and Indonesia before. I remember there's one more but I forgot the country. OOPS!!!
11. I believe believe believe in horoscopes!!! LIKE REALLY THEY DESCRIBE ME SO WELL.
12. I believe in extraterrestrial mmm Yea.
13. I am LOUD when I'm comfortable with you.
14. I am super quiet and shy believe it or not when I meet someone new or if I'm around ppl I don't know.
15. I AM AN INTROVERT OK. Idc you believe or not but I really really love love spending time alone just not talking just walking the streets of Singapore.
16. When you're one to one with me, I will get super quiet and I will make ALOT of sense when I talk.
17. I am actually not a funny person.
18. I'm really boring like SERIOUS
19. I want my first kiss to happen with the RIGHT one
20. NEVER HAD ANY BOYFRIEND BEFORE. NEVER. I used to lie cuz ppl would think I'm cool but nope NEVER. HAHAHAHA. But I have flings thou. OH well.
21. I used to have 2 hamsters. One was FAT one was a roboski?????? Er. The FAT one ran away the small ones butt bled and died. RIP.
22. I LOVE LOVE LOVE MY ROOM NOW.
23. Used to be a nerd. Ah. Memories LOLOL.
24. I can play the uke really well I GUESS HAHAHAA. I practiced really hard OK.
24. I used to be a die hard fan of Justin bieber until his stinky attitude appeared.
25. I was american influenced since I was pri 2. BLAME DISNEY CHANNEL AND NICKELODEON.
26. I used to be a higher mother tongue student. But everything flopped oops.
27. I don't like guys that like me unless I like them back. YOU GET ME IDEKY. OMG.
28. I have 2 dreamcatchers at home. They're really beautiful and magical.
29. I had a phone since 7 years old.
30. I became dumber and lazier when I entered sec school HAHAA. TRYING to werk on that.
31. I am in choir and imma leader yo. ALTO LEADER YO SUPZ.
32. I LOVE LOVE LOVE VOLLEYBALL AND BASEBALL AND SOCCER. THESE THREE AH. BEST.
33. I kinda like math and science and humans. I just dread going to the class but when I do, I think that everything is so damn cool.
34. I'm a science humans person for now. I used to be a language and math person but now errm well.
35. I love my brothers and sisters in Christ!!!
36. I will only date a guy that's a Christian. If he's not I'll make him into one! Wouldn't it be a PLUS point if he worships like you do? ;)
37. I want to adopt a child in future. It sounds weird but giving birth sounds even scarier eee.
38. I like my subway to be ham PLUS Bacon plus tuna with lettuce and onion plus honey mustard and mayo!!!
39. I'm a libra! 9 oct is my birthday hehe.
40. I love chicken. Like REALLY.
41. I WANT TO EAT CHICKEN AND DRINK BEER WITH MY BOYFRIEND IN HIS APARTMENT. AH PERFECT.
42. I can cook. Hehe. Giggles.
43. I'm the only child.
44. I need a bolster to fall asleep.
45. I am a terrible morning person. I can CRY if you attempt to wake me up. HATE IT even though it's not their fault.
46. I am not a fag.
47. I am a YouTube addict. Watched basically every shit on YouTube.
48. Wouldn't get angry very easily. I will only get super annoyed.
49. I LIKE TO SEE OTHERS HAPPY MAKES ME HAPPY TOO
50. I LOVE YOU!!!

Can't express. But I like that, but I felt uncomfortable.

Went beach cleaning for cip on 25-02-2014.

Turned out to be a shouting session. 

It's like a 'cleaning my heart' session. 

We were shouting at the top of our lungs about our deepest troubles. 

Shouting out to the sea. That was..... nice. 

Looking at how happy I looked. I totally forgotten about you. 

Went to dinner with Ketut, Praveen, hogan. We talked so much. Originally it was xav, zx, Chawin, zhiyang and ivan but the panjang peeps went home. SAD. It was a fun night though. 

Went to MOF for Discipleship with Shanyao and denzel. Yumz.

------

We bumped to each other twice today. 

It's not a big deal but at least you know about my existence. Your name. Your name keeps popping up in my mind regardless of how I think I'm getting over you, it brings me back to the stage like I'm infatuated with you all over again. 

I hate the fact that I can't get over you. 

What's there to hold on? 

What's the point of holding on? 

You moved on. Why can't I? 

It's not your fault. I know. It's mine for holding on to you. 

I'm trying to get my senses back together to realize that this is shit and this is not going to work out. 

-Breaths in breaths out- 

Everything, everything was happier then. What happened? 

Seriously I HAVE NO CLUE. 

Xx. Bye. 

Letting it go.

I'm letting it go. Finally. 
It's hard. It's really hard to let go of things you hoped to happen. It's hard to let go when you still have little hopes hidden. 

It's difficult. I know. I have lots of flings before, not saying that I'm proud of it, but you got to accept the fact that people come and go. For those that stayed, that is really great. Those that left, Well they serve as a purpose to. To let you learn from whatever mistakes you did, to let you grow in life. 

Weird isn't it? How people can just leave you suddenly without muttering a single word. They just leave you hanging there. You don't know what to feel, how to feel. 
You don't know what they're thinking. 
One minute is fine, another isn't. 
Hot and cold conversation. 
Yea that's normal. Trust me. You gotta learn how to accept it. That's part of life. That's really easy to say but hard to do. But eventually, you'll get the hang of it. 
TO YOU: 
You know what's the strange thing? Everything, our conversation, our Polaroid with each other, they just disappeared. My previous phones, I lost all the conversation, but everything was till there, except the conversation of us. 
And the Polaroid, I kept it with me but it suddenly disappeared. 
Is it a sign? Haha. 
Well.


Anyway goodnight people. I'll talk about this another time. Love you guys! 

You know what sucks? Having to know someone accuse you of something you didn't do. I may have done that so much in the past, but believe me I changed so damn much and if you didn't notice it, you probably aren't my true friend, or even my friend. 

And you know I just get so pissed off when you tweet about me and just defame me on twitter. Like OPENLY. What is that for though? I didn't even do SHIT to you, maybe in the past, but I apologized. 

And for my friends this is another incident:
I didn't cry because he said f off. I cried because before that, I already knew that there's a lot of people that don't like me and I'm feeling really screwed up because of that and someone had to rub the wound with salt. But thats fine now. 

YES. For sure, EVERYBODY judges. It's a natural thing to do. I judge, you judge. But please, keep your comments and opinions to yourself instead of gossiping. I used to gossip all day and night. After my church leader spoke to us about the topic 'gossiping' I completely stopped. I hear others gossip but I don't join in. But sometimes I do ask questions because I'm genuinely curious hahahaha. But other than that, I'm done with gossiping. Been there done that. 

You know this week's sermon was about true friends. I need to PRAISE THE LORD for answering my prayers because I really prayed for the sermon to speak to me and miraculously it did. 
WHAT A TRUE FRIEND SHOULD BE LIKE:
A true friend always encourages you.
A true friend always listens to you.
A true friend will appreciate you.
A true friend forgives us for the wrongs we have done.
A true friend will always attempt to understand you.  
To be completely honest, I don't have any true friends. Some are just friends that you always share your problems to, some are just friends that you are super close to but they're not your true friends. 
Let's be completely honest, which of your friends will always be there for you, ALWAYS?

Notetoself:
 Don't be with friends that will always criticise you, just to pull you down, they act like they're concern but they're just curious. 

Avoid friends that pull you away from God.

Don't be with friends that don't respect you.
If they don't respect you, they don't deserve your respect too.



//



I feel so much better after clearing my thoughts to God and just not giving a single care to those that dislike me. 


Xoxo. 

Pain

"That's the thing about pain,"...."it demands to be felt."

"What if one day, I told you I had cancer. What if I said I had stage 4 cancer. What if I said I was going to die in 2 months. What if." 




How would you feel? 



-----

Will you do anything for me? Will you change your attitude towards me? Will you love me even more? Will you cry for me? Will you be nicer to me? 

//

Pain. Can be described as something you feel emotionally or physically. 

I felt pain. Not physically, but emotionally. 

Whenever someone leaves me, I feel pain. 
Whenever someone hurts me by their words, I feel pain. 
Whenever someone outcasts me, I feel pain.
Whenever I see someone cry, I feel pain. 

 I cry when I feel pain. I feel so mad inside. But all I can do is cry. 

Pain demands to be felt, that's what it is. 

Pain changes you as a person. 
Pain makes you either stronger or weaker. 
Pain makes you a better person.(It's your choice though)
Pain makes you learn from your mistakes.

The thing about pain? It hurts for awhile but it will heal overtime. Maybe it'll take awhile, but tell me, which wound doesn't heal?

Will you feel pain when I say I love someone else?
Will you feel pain when I say I have cancer?
Will you feel pain when.

My I N S E C U R I T Y kills

I n s e c u r i t y kills me from the inside out.

I was afraid to tell people that I was insecure. Not because I was scared to tell others about my insecurities. I was afraid to tell them I was EVEN insecure.
People will always laugh at me when I say I'm insecure.
They were judging me because they thought 'Oh it's such a cliche for a girl to say they're insecure. They're just seeking attention.'

WELL HECK NO.

Many people don't know this but Im just going to say how insecure I was and how badly my insecurities affected me from time to time.

#1: I thought my face looked ugly when I sleep so when I'm in school and I want to lay my head on the table, I lay it straight down. You guys will think OH THAT'S A NORMAL THING WHAT. Erm no. I would crush my head on the table nearly suffocating myself just to not let people see me sleep. I would make sure there's no holes that people can peek through when I'm sleeping and I would make sure I put everything in perfect position So that I can look nice.

#2: I would look into the mirror, go to the toilet, to look in the mirror every freaking 5 mins. Just to look at my hair. I always thought my hair always looked ugly and it always looked messy so the sole purpose of going to the toilet was just to make sure my hair looks good and everything looks perfect. If there's no mirror, I would get a minor panic attack and I would be so tensed up until I get to see a mirror. But thankfully I overcomed this problem.

#3: I always thought that I looked really bad with specs and once I had a really bad eye infection until I had to put some really nasty stingy gel in my eye AND YET I REFUSED TO WEAR SPECS TO SCHOOL. I still wore my enlarging lenses. But hey, now my lenses not enlarging anymore. #Overcomedmyinsecurity

I used to think people will judge me because I'm a Christian and because of all the stupid and idiotic things I used to do in the past. I used to think they will be like "Cennic's a christian? Haha. Christian can scold vulgar??? Christian can flirt ah? Christian can wear until like that ah?"
Yea I know there's people that will be saying that but lemme clear this first HAHAHAHAHAHHA I'm so proud of myself. I never scold vulgarities for one year already and now I hate it when someone scolds vulgarities. HATE.
I NEVER FLIRT LIKE HOW I USED TO FLIRT. I find it disgusting now and I realized how disgusting I was.
I never wear really short shorts unless it's a really hot day or something but I learnt to be conservative I KNOW YOU WILL FIND THIS A JOKE BUT IT'S NO JOKE AT ALL OK. You will either see me wearing a skirt, a dress or jeans. That's all Hahahahhaq. And I find that whenever I wear short shorts, when I sit down the layer of fats at my thighs makes me feel disturbed because its really fat and like I don't like to see it do I'LL HIDE IT. But really being a Christian really changed me a lot and if you Guys still think she's faking to love GOd to show how cool she is YOU ARE W R O N G. You believe in what you believe in because that WAS my insecurity. Thinking how people think of me. BEEN THERE DONE THAT. Not going back. Kay back to topic. I was afraid to post stuffs about God because I was afraid of people judging me but WHO CARES NOW.

I used to think my face is really ugly that I told my mother everyday for a month that I am definitely going to have plastic surgery. I used to cry secretly about how ugly I looked. I'm serious and I haven't told anybody about this before but I think it's quite funny now when I look back.


That was how bad it was but believe me there's still a lot more of insecurities I haven't ovecome. But I will overcome all of them one day through the security that God gave me!!!!!

XOXO COCONUTS.

These are my insecurities. I overcomed it one by one, you can do with God's help! You don't need to seek for others approval to help you feel secure because others approval will only last temporarily. But God's approval last eternally. Trust me. Try to pray for your insecurities to be gone and you can overcome your struggles with insecurities. It will work like magic. Trust me. :)

V E R G E

You know sometimes in life you just feel that there's noone out there for you anymore. And the only thing you have is yourself and God. 

Like friends wouldn't always be there for you. I understand that because sometimes I get sick of comforting people too, because I have my own problems. I can't deny the fact that I have always been forsaking my friends and ignoring their problems. When I see them "emo-ing" on twitter I used to ask them what's wrong. But now, I admit, I couldn't be bothered. But that's life. You only have to rely on NOONE but YOURSELF and God. I felt bad. Yep I did. But that's reality. 

There's two types of friends:
Those that ask for the sake of asking and because they're curious and those that really cares about you. 
How often can we find the second one? LOL. 

I find myself a really contradicting person because I despise people who ask because they're curious, but in the end I'm the one asking people because I AM CURIOUS. So now i prefer not to ask. And that's the reason why I started to gradually draw away from my friends. 

I can't differientiate if I'm curious or if I really care. And that bothers me because I want to be a good friend. BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO. I try my best to be a good friend that makes people happy but no matter how hard I try, I know I will never be number 1 in their eyes. I keep degrading myself I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY. 

I realized recently I'm starting to build a wall between me and my friends. I don't know if they are the type of friends that will be together and stand by me if there's a problem or they will just leave me when I need them. (My thinking: better to distance and not feel hurt rather than to be close and having someone leave you when you need them)

I hate how I'm distancing myself from my friends. I hate how I'm starting to build a wall that I can't break. I hate how scared I am to lose them. But I already did.

I feel helpless. Like there's nobody there at times. I need someone to be there physically. To comfort me. And I used to share my problems with others. Now? I just bottom up my feelings. Idk. It feels more secure but I just feel that somethings missing.

I feel that people are judging me from inside to out.
Judging me because I'm a christian.
Judging me on how I look.
Judging me when I don't even know them.
Judging me on how I talk.
Judging me on how I write.

I don't know what this blogpost is about actually. But I managed to clear some feelings out. At the very least.

Xoxo.

Fate?

If it's meant to be, it's definitely meant to be.


Our destiny can't change. Yes, we may have crossed at one point of our life, we were intimidated by what we saw in each other.
I used to want to get into an intimate relationship without commitment. But I realized that was plain stupidity.

Love has to come with commitment, trust, and many other things. But one thing for sure I know about love is that it is amazing.

We love without seeing the truth.
We love without knowing the truth.

I am glad to finally let it go.

"I'm afraid to get into a relationship with her because I'm afraid we'll lose our friendship."

I think I understand now.

Thanks to the book I read "I kissed dating goodbye."

Helped me understand things I didnt understand before.
 I love you.

Nothing left.

How I wish time could rewind and I could "re-do" my life once again. I could have refrained myself from doing what's wrong and not to mention... you guys know.

I wish everything could rewind so I can relive the moments again.

Time is like a memory-sucking machine. It sucks out what you've learn from the past. It sucks out what you remember. It sucks out the little things that happened in life that made you happy.

Even if I want to remember them, I couldnt. It's so irritating.

Friends are better than strangers. Best friends are better than friends. Lovers are better than best friends. Well, I'm stuck on the "strangers are better than errr. Nothing." Part.

I am at stage 4. The accepting part. No we didn't break up.(weren't even tgt)

We just broke apart.

I'm trying, trust me.
"If it's meant to be, it will be."

Like how when a butterfly that was in your hand for 5secs flies away, if it likes you it will come back. If it doesn't, it will look for someone else.

To you

谢谢你

Start of school was okay. Had to miss 3 days of school because of my trip to Bangkok. 

Bet y'all missed me. 

Thank you for everything. 

The memories even though we didn't have lots. 

Thank you for making me laugh even though times were hard for me. 

Thank you for texting me every morning with a nice text. 

Thank you for texting me goodnight every night. Remember? 晚安美…

Thank you for not getting angry when I always fall asleep while talking to you.

Thank you for your cheerfulness.

Thank you for always being happy. 

Now I think your perception toward me changed right? 

I was pretty much a bitch. I admit.

 It was my past. 

I was ignorant. How I freaking wish there was a delete button in my life.

We are officially complete strangers. 

We banged into each other, without saying Hi or how'd you doing or. 

This is the last time I'm feeling for this. 

I'm going to get over with this once and for all. 

No more. 

I have yet to give you your sov. Haha. There's a lot. 

 Tranniess